🥞 shortstack: we'll link up on the 33rd
on the adult friendships that make it
I've always enjoyed my own company. Even as a kid, you could find my nose buried in a book in the quiet corner of the library. Later, I had my braces taken off, and suddenly people started to notice I had a symmetrical face. Apparently, money can't buy you privilege, but a good set of braces can (I kid).
My college best friend considered me a private person. She was ambitious and kind, an engaging chat and a good listener, adventurous yet philosophically grounded. She was a good friend and also riveting company. Comparing people to her though, is just unkind to those in the present. Instead of using her as a cookie-cutter template for friendship, I've been trying to embrace the uniqueness of every best friend I've had after her.
I’ve been doing Kuliouou Ridge once a week. It’s the perfect hike to meander on. My girlfriend, K, put me on this, also inspired by half baked future’s Do Something Saturdays. Do first, think later. I never regret getting out on that ridge.
I like Kuliou because its long enough where the rhythm of my gait starts to regulate the nervous system, and steep enough in elevation gain where I get perspective away from whatever I’m chewing on. My favourite is the pine tree clearing right before the top of the ridge. It’s shady, peaceful, and invites silence.
A pattern I notice from moving so much as a kid, is being skilled at making many shallow connections, harder to forge deep ones. It comes from not bothering to force vulnerability, since I know I’ll be gone soon anyways. I work on it. After all, being in survival mode isn’t a forever excuse for only having fun but fair-weathered friends.
Some questions that have helped me personally, that I like to ask when someone confides in me they have trouble making deep, long-lasting friends:
Are you looking for friends, or are you looking for followers? Seldom do we ask ourselves, are we being the friend that we so desire? Or are we simply looking for someone to support who we are, in a one-sided way, like a loyal Instagram follower?
Are you being your authentic self? Withholding from people-pleasing to get the other person to like you? Bringing your honest feelings to the table, no matter how unsavoury? The irony surrounding people-pleasing is that it does not in fact get people to like us, quite the opposite…it leaves the person on the receiving end learning nothing about you…other than, you might be a pushover.
Are you choosing people out of emotion, or out of survival? Do you truly care about, admire, and respect this person, or are you spending time with them because you need them to fill a role or a void? This is the same as us choosing partners out of survival, not out of genuine love, loyalty, and respect.
This newsletter was written in honour of A’s upcoming birthday in Costa Rica. Cheers to you, homegirl. I wouldn’t want to dance in the Surfbreak living room with anyone else.
We’ll link up on the 33rd, babe.
Proofreading by Michael Tolentino.
Consuming:
The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss
Mul-naengmyeon
The Bear
Creating:
Dance Yoga Routines
Bullet Journal
Half-frame film
🥞 shortstacks is a vertical for quick, 3 minute reads. think quick bites on post-modernism, humane technology, or simply, how to make a mean lilikoi pancake. juxtaposing long form feature writing and personal essays, shortstacks will always be the length of a tiktok. have an idea for a stack? simply reply to this email. thanks for being here.
with love & butter,
